What you should think about the ‘Marriage Proposal’
When I was a 12 grade, I happened to read The Firework-Maker’s Daughter by Philip Pullman.
I imagined Lila would be so happy if her friends made her a firework performance for her birthday, wedding, and maybe her funeral (she would be cremated and her ash will be spread into the sky then pop up into vibrant colors). Now I think maybe she would like it more if someone proposed to her (or she proposed to someone) using fireworks as well.
I know what you’re thinking, you Gen Z generation. No, Lila’s world was not taking place where the drone marriage proposal existed. Nor where her art can be turned into NFT. And no, they would never think about meeting a digital priest and hosting a blockchain wedding either.
Fireworks — despite maybe it seems dangerous and not climate-friendly at first, — have surprisingly a deep sentimental feeling where the display starts from darkness, shines, then back to darkness again. It’s like life itself. Or marriage. From nothingness, enjoy while it last, then gone.
I imagine every time Lila saw the fireworks in the sky, she will remember the event associated with it. When she was old and she cannot bring herself to create the glamorous firework anymore, every time she was lonely and missed the love of her life so much, she will light one simple ‘blooming flower’ then hang it on the outside. She will see it blossomed and sparked, and the memories will come to her like a summer breeze.
Disclaimer
This writing is not intended to insult anyone’s preference. I come with peace. For those of you who already proposed, want to propose, or never think to propose at all, please feel free to read. I believe each of our perspectives is valid and important.
So you finally find your true love?
It’s like back-to-back tasks after successfully finding the one. You need to find the time, the ring (or anything you think will represent the commitment well), and other real-but-feel-surreal issues (kneel or no kneel? speech or no speech? music? clothes? place? and the list goes on — at some point, an overthink person may wonder whether they need to cry or not).
Now let’s talk about the place.
Back in university, I happened to write fiction about an impulsive girl who had difficulties finding a place to die. Turns out, finding a place for doing an engagement proposal is no better, maybe even harder.
Depending on the character of you and your partner (or partners, because some of you may be into polyamory), you can choose basically everywhere that is meaningful for you both: top of the mountain, lovely beach, fine dining restaurant, home, … again, basically everywhere you think it is proper and makes sense.
Is there any boundary?
Maybe. What do you think when your man proposes you on your 300 sqft typical living room with a lame T-shirt, and a bonus of a little smell from his body’s odor because he hasn’t bathed since yesterday? No, you thought, no amount of mouth spray is enough.
He argues romantically with an imaginary flower pinned in his hand and says, “My little tiger, fifty years from now, I want us to remember this day when we sit on the couch, watching TV comfortably, that I choose you to be my life partner and vice versa”.
Maybe he’s delusional because, on the contrary, his action speaks that he doesn’t respect his partner and himself. Unconditional love is not the same as being ugly every day and taking your love for granted.
If having the proposal in a fancy restaurant makes you expect that the marriage life will be full of happiness, extravagance, overspending, and illusions (aka lies), imagine what will you expect if you conduct it in your messy living room? Or dirty public transportation (remember, 60% of vehicle accidents are caused by human error)? Or a small food stall on the side of the road, along with a seemingly odd dim light, plus non-stop horning sound coming from the street?
Don’t get me wrong. A proposal that takes place in a forest where in the past people had committed suicide by hanging their necks on the trees sure is sick, attention-whore, and not worthy to be talked further. But if it’s conducted by the host of an eerie reality show to her film director, to remember the place where they first met, now maybe it’s a romantic thing. It’s their thing. And as a friend — or worse, a stranger — we’re not supposed to comment further.
Having a memorable place is a make-sense decision, but maybe not a wise one. You may want to switch your favorite cafe with a not-so-popular-but-neat one next time. Why? Because no one knows the future. If you happen to break up, well, every place will remind you of what used to be. I wouldn’t want to trade my favorite salmon katsu and fluffy mango pudding for stupid grief every time I eat them without my ex.
What lies behind is what matters
Indonesian people used to justify their cowardice for not taking an action, or their arrogance of taking unfortunately bad result action, by saying yang penting itu niatnya, or in English is “the most important thing is the intention”.
Because roughly 80% of Indonesian are Muslims, perhaps it can be traced back to one of Islamic Hadist quoted by Bukhari and Muslim that said, “Actions are (judged) by intentions (niyyah), so each man will receive what he has intended for.”
Apparently, most people forget that there’s also another Hadist that said besides the intention, you also need ikhtiar (“effort”, for something you can control) and tawwakal (“trust”, for something you can’t control).
So why do I say this?
Before you imagine having a heavy audience for your engagement and can’t wait to post all the memories on your TikTok, Instagram Reels, or YouTube Short,
Before you give her any new materials like a violin, pet, car, or house (and make you end up as you buy her),
Before you play him a piece of Canon in D that he likes so bad, something that you already mastered years ago but somehow keep you awake at night to practice and practice, to make sure you don’t hit the wrong key,
Before you read tons of articles on the internet and find out that you may want to blame, or thank, ancient Egyptian for inventing engagement rings because they believe, semiotically, that circle means eternity,
you need to ask yourself first: “why”?
Yes, I hear you, you younger generation. As far as I know, most of you are desperately searching for meaning.
If I may borrow Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, it’s probably because you kind of like kids who don’t have to think much about physiological, safety, love/belonging, and esteem needs like what your parents or grandparents struggled with before. You experience some kind of crisis about your true self, your work, your friendship, your relationship, your choice, your life.
Back to the topic, to put it simply, we need to propose because we need consent. We’re not animals. Even some animals understand the concept of consent; you see the lionesses be the ones who hunt and take care of the young and cubs, while the lions keep the pride safe from other lions. Alright, I still don’t get why it justifies the lion’s action to eat the most while the lionesses get the leftovers; but they still count as an interesting group of big cats to me.
If I may suggest
Don’t forget to research. No, not exactly like what you did in your school years with tons of books and journals. It’s like when you meet your professor that supervises your thesis and spares the expectation, talk what you want, and hear what she thinks about it.
We have a love-hate relationship with “surprises”. Unless it satisfies our bar of tolerance and we’re happy about it, we tend to despise surprise, in whatever forms.
There is plenty of homework and checks list. Find out whether your spouse is ready to level up or not. Find out what he thinks about commitment, family, home, conflict management, boundary, trigger words, finance, inheritance, politics, hobbies, pets, metaverse, climate change, human trafficking, organ donation, and so on. It’s not as simple as the “Say Yes to Dress” reality show, where you choose several beautiful dresses, go back to the second dress that your enterouge don’t really like but you like it so much, put a veil on it then voila, everybody’s happy.
An engagement proposal, just like any other event, if one can organize that well, they should organize everything else correctly, whether it’s a wedding or long-lasting marriage.
This kind of research and communication needs to be practiced every time. Not only when you go through pre-marital counseling or casually playing random intimacy deck that is viral on TikTok.
Scientists can’t fathom why different people with different kinds of gender, interest, educational degree, cultures, brain wires, and other backgrounds can have an idea to live together. Yet, for thousands of years, people keep doing that.
It is true we don’t know about the future, but most people agree that they want to try, to believe, that this is for a lifetime.
It is a privilege to have something timeless.
— Mutya Widyalestari
